For caregivers on Mother’s Day: Is role reversal is part of your life? My relationship with my mom has flipped around many times. Last year on Mother’s Day, I felt like we were on the Titanic ready to capsize. Mom was weak, then strong, then frail again. But she’s lived to see another Mother’s Day. Wow!
The two of us have taken a beating as her dementia has progressed. If I didn’t remind Mom about her daughters, she might not know that she had any. One of my shoulders has been dislocated several times and my back feels like it belongs to an old lady. (Maybe I’ve become one!) Mom can’t talk or walk and she can barely stand up even with two people supporting her. But she ate the Mother’s Day brunch I cooked for her and still savored the taste of her favorite foods. Despite her lack of language she managed to express her pleasure through laughter and the smile that never quits.
I’m so happy that we had the chance to do this again. Some days are so hard for her. She gets weird electric shocks that frighten her and scare me, too. When it’s rainy, she seems to sleep through everything but meal time. On many occasions, I could have sworn that we were sharing our last dinner together. Then she somehow finds the strength to revive and I think, “All right, the seas are calm. This voyage will continue.”
It is probably easier to pick a Kentucky Derby winner than it is to predict the course of dementia. We’ve been given time estimates, symptom warnings and lots of family education to help us get through this long process. The only thing that really stays consistent is the deep love we feel for my mom. I used to think that love was mysterious and fragile. But as we celebrate one more miraculous Mother’s Day, I see that love is tough and durable. It is more reliable than a diagnosis and more potent than medicine. It’s a bewildering experience to serve as the caregiver for a parent. When it feels too confusing, love is the only true compass.